i've been having a lot of wild dreams lately.. lemme see if i remember some.. i know last night i was playing mario kart wii, i was using the baby booster kart and i was tearing up the race track with it.. later i switched to birdo on the standard bike m and pulled out a win on a course i didnt expect to win at lol! hm.. other dreams.. i dont remember this one, just the feeling of it, but.. it was very nostalgic. kinda the feeling that weirdcore enjoyers love so much.. thats how this dream felt. it felt like how people describe dreams, or even out-of-body experiences.. just surreal! i cant remember other ones, its a shame i dont write them down, but.. they just feel peculiar to me. hm.

anyway! hey! nothing really crazy is happening, i just wanna blog again. im getting more hours at my job, even if just 2 extra days in the week, which is nice.. summer is approaching and i dont like it at all LOL.. ive been more engaged in this little mkwii community, i have some of my own "regular cool ppl who i talk to on vc a lot" which has been fun! and uh.. this point in my life kinda feels like a transition.. from what to what, idk? it just feels like things are changing as we speak idk haha.. i dont have much else to say, whoops XD ill stop it here.. just wanted to say a little greeting ig! express a bit on how my dreams have been.. and uh.. yea! someday im gonna properly continue the plans i have for this site's unfinished pages.. someday..

heyya! it's been some time since i've been here last, ive just been more interested in other things yk? i've been playing more video games, mainly mkwii online on my steam deck since i got that to work after some trial and error :D i also have been selling a few things again to get rid of clutter and to get some money, which is good! ... cus my job has not been giving me the shifts i need. ig its kinda hard to justfy someone like me working a lot though.. idk, i just feel bad cus i only apply for what i most prefer, which is back of house positions, minimal to no customer interaction, and morning/mid shifts only.. mom keeps telling me im making things so difficult and all i do is just shrug and sadly go "i know" lol.. i just dont want a job thatll make me unhappy. i dont want to work at night cus i love having nights to myself. i love working during the day! it makes it harder, but? im stubborn on this yk? it makes it harder for me but i dont care, ill figure things out

stupid job problems aside.. a few days ago i went to my first ever convention! it was lvl up expo, have i talked abt that before? i might have.. i just spent one day there, i was gonna go today as well but i didnt feel like i wanted to do anything else besides shop at the artist alleys haha.. i had a really fun time! i went with some friends, some of them split off to do their own thing but one of them and i stuck together and went shopping lmaooo.. my legs and throat are still recovering from that haha, and so is my wallet, but.. i think it was worth it :) i got a lot of cool posters and keychains mainly, i like looking at them! the people there are all so nice as well, its nice being around people who are just as goofy and weird as you are haha!

basically ive been doing alright besides a little stress relating to my job and finances and all.. i just feel like im not gonna stick with my job much longer cus.. for months now everyones schedules have been getting fucked over, and mine keeps getting worse, like last week and this week i literally only work on saturday. thats it LOL.. so! the plan is for my brother to help me get hired as a hotel room cleaner, they get paid over $20 and hour which is really good! if that cant happen for me then i just wanna see if i can get hired elsewhere.. id like to see if i can work outside the food industry, but idk if thats gonna happen since food jobs are by far the easiest jobs to snag lol

ig ive just been feeling a little meh lately cus of all the real life shit thats having me worried.. i have faith that things will work out but its still like. when my family worries that energy goes into me too, so its got me a little fucked up lol :p ive been doing my best though.. ig sometimes ive been feeling bad about my lack of independence? im 21 and i cant drive, my mom does everything for me, and its just.. i feel really bad but at the same time i get really scared at the thought of doing a lot of these adult things alone.. idk if im just that like.. mentally behind from everyone else, or if im a spoiled child, or.. something.. i just feel bad about it and idrk what to do.. im just scared of whatll happen when im older.. i hope im a lot more independent by then haha.. idk what ill do to try to practice independence, but.. i wanna try a little harder even if it really scares me haha :)

i think i'll stop here, im happy with what i wrote. i just wanted to update on a few things! idk, i had no plans to do this, i was just tweaking things on my website and i remembered this blog existed and that i wanted to talk about some things XD see you all soon!

heyy.. just wanted to vent i guess. this week's been a lot for me ig? i feel mixed abt it.. i wont go into much detail but.. i had a serious conversation with a friend who is doing very mentally unwell and we've decided to split ways at least for now because.. i cant help them. theres only so much i can do. and they keep talking about the thing thats bothering them and its just become too much for one guy like me to take.. i cried that day. i dont cry a lot so its a big deal to me when i do. i really tried my best with them.. but.. i just couldnt do it anymore. not when i already have a lot on my own plate that im trying to process and navigate yk? i feel bad but.. i think its for the best. hopefully for both of us

and now yesterday, i.. well.. one of my close friends is having a lot of issues with substance abuse.. and i just.. have a lot of mixed feeling about it. i want to help them so bad but.. yesterday i handled it wrong. it went all wrong. it was a learning experience for me, though. i cant force ppl to get better. it makes things worse. what i CAN do is encourage them and support them the best i can. and thats what i plan to do from now on

i just.. it was hard for me to think clearly i guess. when i only associate really bad people with that stuff.. it was really confusing for me to witness a loved one struggle with that. it made me want to do everything in my power to stop that.. because i dont want them to become a bad person too.. cus all my life i taught myself that addicts are horrible people. i witnessed this being true all around me. i just.. this is why im mixed. on one hand, it was really triggering for me. it made me really upset to see my friend talk about it so much and for me to feel powerless to do anything. theres only so much an online friend can do. on another.. i think this will help me process some traumas. i really do. i want to become as understanding of other people as i can. i want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. i dont want this to be the exception. i dont want to generalize people like i do with addicts. i want to change that. i dont want to make my friend feel bad for something like this. its really disrespectful of me.

i guess despite how terrible i feel right now, part of me sees this as a challenge. i want to see how i will handle this. i want to see how i come out of this. what i learn from it. how ive improved compared to years ago. i like to see stressful experiences as something to look at positively, as a learning experience, as a chance to grow and change as a person for the better. so thats how im going to see this. im gonna take my shitty feelings in strife. im gonna kick my mental illness's ass and show myself that negative experiences can become good when looked at under the right light. these things are inevitable, so theres no use feeling so horrible about it. theres just not

.. idk. i just wanted to write this to help process my thoughts. i think it helped a bit :) ill be okay.. i just.. augh. my minds a little sensitive rn. ill just do the things that make me happy and hope for the best hehe. see you next time everyone!

hiya! happy blog again wooo... so! i wanna talk abt several things... first, my bday is in 2 days uwaaa!! nothing crazy is gonna happen, since the universal trip back in the 5th WAS that crazy thing, i'm just gonna go to work, get dinner, and chill! :) i told my boss about my birthday and she said she was gonna bring in cookies for me! im excited to munch on those x3 for dinner, im going to this resturaunt that i love called jasmine rice! they have the BEST asian food i swear... part of me considered doing korean bbq again, but its been a little while since ive had a more chill bday dinner so! why not!!

second... well, the person whos talking right now is a fusion wooo!! for those who dont know, fusion is a system term for two or more alters/parts that have combined! its usually done by lowering barriers and integrating into one person that way, yk? if you know a bit abt systems you may have heard abt final fusion before, which means ALL parts fuse to become a singular person like most other ppl are yk? but that takes A LONG ASS TIME and a lot of work! basically, fusion is a sign of healing. by fusing, said parts have coped with what happened and stuff! for us.. ethan and rain fused. ethan is "the default guy", one of the most common fellas and someone who has been around since the start, pretty much. rain is someone who came around after a traumatic event that was severe enough to cause ethan to go dormant. rain was there to help cope with what happened as well as to take ethan's place pretty much yk? after a few years, ethan came back, and time healed our wounds for sure, as well as developing new support systems and all that.. so.. rain kinda became a helpless wanderer. none of us rlly liked to see that.. rain rlly felt directionless and we didnt rlly know what to do

.... that is until yesterday! a few days prior, a friend was mentioning fusion and figuring that out with their system, which got eternity, who was fronting at the time, thinking about how we should handle it.. normally we dont dabble with fusion, it just always intimidated us yk? we dont have a lot of experience with it besides accidental fusions that were on a smaller scale.. but with how our system progress has been lately, they felt like something needed to change. soon enough they brought up the idea to some others about ethan and rain fusing, since the reason rain formed was pretty much fulfilled, and ethan made peace with what happened.. we all agreed that it was time. rain and ethan were both hesitant at first, i felt it.. but i also felt that the more they focused, the more right it felt... so, pico shoved arctic to the front (i heard she plans to make her own webpage soon!) for the day and ordered everyone to leave the two alone until it seemed done... the whole progress really was just bullshitting until something worked! and! it worked!!

i have already edited my webpage with updated visuals and minor updates to the information, if you wanna see the new me check it out by visiting ethan's page! ill def have more to update soon! i need to update ethan's art on the system page too.. i dont look like that anymore. overall, i just.. am still figuring shit out yk? its my first day as my new self.. and.. i feel more whole. i can feel it. i can feel parts of them both. its super interesting!! i decided to keep ethans name cus 1. someone has to take the body's name so that it doesnt feel so jarring to be called ethan irl LOL and 2. it just sounds like a nice name, i like it!

that's......... kinda it!! i just wanted to talk abt this, and i just like blogging so there ya go XD excited to turn 21, ill actually go ahead and update my age Now so i dont forget later ifjhv8dytubijdgh, and! uh! yea!! bye!!!!!

hi, i'm really tired, sorry if this entry seems more uhm.. dry in tone than usual. doesn't help that i'm not a very uhm.. enthusiastic person. my name is wings.. but i'm not here to talk much about myself. i guess.. i realize next week is our 21st birthday. that's pretty cool. and, uhm.. i just.. wanted to make another blog. idk. idk what to talk about.. uhm.. i guess.. i'm in an odd mental state. i don't like when i'm like this. the front gets weird.. like, uhm.. i don't really come around a lot. i don't think my identity is associated with, uhm, happy parts of the brain or anything. i'm more.. sad and shy, idk. i.. uhm, another alter ate earlier.. i can feel my stomach processing the food.. it's uncomfortable. it's not even 5pm, but i just want to sleep so bad.. i guess i could, since tomorrow is a day off work.. but.. mfgh.

i think.. thoughts about our insecurities have been coming back. idk why. it could just be an episode.. or maybe we've been thinking too hard about our relationships again. or both. uhm. a few days ago, some other alter put it like.. "everything i do with my body and voice feels out of my control" in the sense that.. we are very impulsive, so sometimes words and actions just.. happen.. before we can uhm.. even think. most of us hate this trait about ourselves. we are always scared it will end up in us uhm hurting someone.. but also uhm.. it makes looking back at past memories of our behaviors even more.. uhm.. embarassing. it feels like we hardly act in a correct state of mind.. it just.. feels like every part of my body and brain is against me. i feel like an idiot at all times. i don't like feeling stupid.

it's still something i know we're trying to, uhm, i guess cope with. loving yourself is hard when you're so hyperaware of all your flaws. i think.. our flaws got acknowledged or pointed out a lot in childhood so uhm.. it just transfers terribly into adulthood. i'm.. sorry this is negative. i'm so tired.. i think i need to end it here. sorry. i just wanted to post. uhm, i'll be okay..! it's just been a little hard lately. sorry.. uhm, good bye now.

edit: just.. wanted to add something more positive since, uhm, i feel really bad about this entry.. i want it to be better.. so.. we're gonna try some earbuds/headphones, since we're uhm looking for new audio options besides just the generic apple earbuds we buy.. today we bought these kbear storm earbuds.. i hear they're amazing for their price. i'm also looking into trying some other pairs, like uhm, let me list them, it's only a few.. skullcandy riff 2, superlux hd681, kz zsn pro, and philips shp9500. all of those i've heard good things about.. i'm especially eager to try the superlux. they're $40 yet people have been raving about them.. hehe, talking about this made me feel a little happier.. i think i'm going to talk to pico about helping me switch out. i uhm.. don't want to be here right now. i want to rest.. so.. good bye, for real this time.

this fucking dog, dude... jesus fuck... so, hey, i wanna introduce myself. i'm arctic/archie, she/they. i might make a webpage later, maybe at least keep it private at first and list myself later if i get more active, idk. anyway... so... background on the house. we have us, my mom, my brother, my grandma who most definitely has dementia by now, 2 cats... and a dog. this dog we got 10 months ago, by grandma's own choosing. we got him a few months after our previous dog passed away. this dog is a 2 year old street dog, never got trained a day in his life. it's led to complications and the source of a lot of arguements.

today, the fucker growled and lunged at me when i walked out my room twice within 5 minutes. i have no fucking idea why. i don't look or sound different, do i? surely this dog must know what i sound like by now. do i sound different when i front? is he still not used to my voice? either way, mom got pissed immediately after she saw it. it led to an arguement with her and grandma about how far she's willing to go with this dog, how much she's willing to enable him to be an aggressive, loud, and nasty dog. after all, the neighbors are making a petition to take him away because he barks so much. my brother and i still seem to set him off more than mom and grandma, and i have a feeling it's cus he has a bad history with men. even after all this time, he still growls at us a lot. he goes after the cats sometimes, too, though i haven't seen this myself. i just hear mom scolding him a lot for doing it. grandma does nothing about any of it. refuses to pay to train him or anything, probably just because he hasn't physically harmed someone... yet. he might attack someone if he keeps getting away with this.

frankly, i'm sick of this fucking dog. never liked him. he's annoying and has caused nothing but drama in this house. his energetic and pushy personality doesn't suit our lifestyle, which is busy when everyone's out doing work and chill when everyone's home. we hardly have time or energy to dedicate to this dog. it's why i'm so frustrated that this is the dog we ended up getting. i honestly hate this dog. i wish we never got it. mom told me as soon as grandma passes, we're getting rid of this dog. i'm with her. i don't care how mean it is, i don't care about him. none of us do. to all of us besides grandma, not just in this house but outside it as well, he's a nuisance.

i wish we could give this dog what he needs. i wish we were his forever home. i wish we had the money and time to train him and catter to him. but we don't. and we can't. and i don't want his home to be here cus i know he would be much better off with an owner who actually cares about him. i think an owner who truly cares would train this dog in a heartbeat not just for the people around him, but for himself, too. the dog is stressed out about things that are over now. traumatized dogs can't process that things are safe now just like that, they need help. grandma refuses to help him. it feels like she just sees him as a melatonin boost and not like a real creature.

like i said before, i know we're giving this dog away as soon as we're able. none of us like or want him. it's been annoying coming home to a source of constant chaos and drama. it was so much better those few months with no dogs and just the cats. they're so quiet and so easy to care for, they're even way softer and i love their displays of affection more. part of me feels guilty for wanting this dog gone, but also... can you blame me? it would be one thing if i was a part of this decision, if i knew who was coming home that fateful day, if i even wanted this at all... but i don't. i'm not abandoning him or giving up on him when i never had anything to do with him in the first place. he just lives here. i don't know if grandma would be different pre-dimentia. she's changed a lot since symptoms have been progressing. i wonder how that affects how she would have reacted in this and many other situations with the dog, or if she enabled all of her dogs... idk, and i also don't care anymore. i just needed to get some steam out.

i guess it's not a big deal, this moment is just one of the many moments that... ugh... make me excited for when grandma passes. fucked up, i know, but... i have so many plans for when i can finally get the fuck out, dude. when we're finally able to sell her house, mom and i plan to move to the east coast. i'm really excited to get to move there. i just feel so... stifled here. i do it to myself, kind of, but also... again, do you blame me? there's nothing to do in this fuckhole. everything's expensive and unappealing as fuck. the scenery is nothing but desert sand, rocks, and countless imported trees that just contribute to crappy allergies. this city is so unwalkable it isn't even funny. all my daydreams of going on nature walks can't fucking happen here because there's no nature to even walk through. it's nothing but concrete and sidewalks.

anyway... anyway. i'm done, i don't feel like typing anymore lmao. see you next time :)

i just got back from my trip to universal studios in california! i want to talk all about it before i sleep. just while it's fresh on my mind, y'know? i had such a blast! for those unaware, this trip was an early 21st birthday celebration of mine that i wanted to do ever since i first heard about nintendo world, pretty much! my main goal was to always explore nintendo world as opposed to other universal locations, as i don't really care for those lol! lemme start from the beginning, i wanna talk about today in as much detail as i can!!

so, i of course wasn't the only one going. my mom and brother came, as well as my only two irls, at least the only ones who live in my state! i'll call em byleth (he/him) and miku (he/they) in this blog :) so, we all went together on a road trip by car to universal! but before we went, i got up early to get mcdonalds breakfast with my friends. i ended up struggling with sleeping due to my anxiety for the following day making it really difficult... so when i woke up at around 2:30am and couldn't go back to sleep after about an hour, i just gave up and decided i was gonna run on less than 3 hours of sleep for the day. i got ready, my buddies picked me up, we got food, and we headed back to my house to eat breakfast and wait for my family members to get ready. about an hour later and we're off!

the trip itself was so nostalgic for me. i used to go on road trips to cali all the time, back when i had some family who lived in los angelos. they moved away post-covid, so i haven't been to cali at all in a while. a lot of familiar sensory feelings were more welcoming to me than i thought they'd be... the popping in your ears, the bumps in the road, the cramping in your legs... oh, yeah, we drove using my grandma's car, it has two backs: the main back and what we've always called the back-back! one of mom's older cars had a back-back and it was my favorite place to be... so of course i had to re-experience that. it was... uncomfortable, honestly, but i liked it. i had my own space, it was nice!

eventually, at around noon, we got there, and we all immediately bolted for the mario kart attraction. since we chose a really good day and came at a really solid time, there was little to no wait and a quick queue, so our line went moving along quick! i love the waiting area for this attraction and what it had, like the recreations of mario setpieces and the remixes/rearrangements of certain iconic melodies! i really like the room where it shows the process of making bomb-ombs, i thought that was really cute :) oh, and there was this yoshi themed room! it was very simple, but i liked the animations of the yoshis coming in and out!

speaking of, i always adore animation and the attention to detail whenever i see it, and i feel like this thought matches up well with the mario kart ride itself... its incredible! its so full of personality, the interactivity itself is of course fun, but i was just blown away by how they captured the chaos of mario kart so well... they threw so much at you at once, everything changed so much but i think they gave you enough time to digest each section! i think one of my favorite parts has to be how the characters are animated... dude theyre so smooth. i especially love how bowser is animated, honestly! he has so much personality, he's such a goober lol!

after we all finished the ride, we went on this jurassic world water ride. i forgot why we went on it... like i forgot who wanted to go on it at all, but i ended up joining in and feeling eager about it since i adore water rides... and oh boy, this ride was very fun! all five of us got seated next to each other on the front row, which meant we were the prime targets for all the water assaults imaginable. i was in the middle, so i feel like i got it the best out of everyone, maybe? i don't really know, all of us got soaked anyway, lol! at the end, there was this huuuge drop that i didn't expect at all, it was so thrilling! when we dropped down, so much wayer splashed all over us and got mom absolutely drenched from head to toe... it was hilarious though, lmao! i didn't scream or anything at the drop, i don't naturally scream or yell or anything at that kinda stuff, i just kinda... freeze or brace myself? which is what i did in this drop, i closed my eyes and prayed lol!!

after that ride, we split up - me and my friends went back to nintendo world, and mom and my brother went to do their own thing. so, we went back to nintendo world, and since me and byleth got the power bands, we went around getting the three keys from several activities to do that bowser jr. challenge. well... at some point, something really incredible happened. i lost my phone, or at least i thought i did. you see, i have this tendancy to misplace things, and i'm really bad at looking for things, which usually leads to me not being able to find my belongings upon the first few searches. having thought my phone was lost somewhere in the park, i asked my friends to search the gift shop for it while i searched the bathroom, which was where i last was. after i came out empty, i went to the shop only to find my friends talking to this cashier named z (they/them). they were basically infodumping to each other about pokemon. the convo got brought up since byleth was wearing this magikarp hat all day basically whenever he could, lmao. soon enough, i found my phone, and we went back to z to tell them we found the phone so they wouldn't have to worry or anything. it was then that z asked us if we went on the mario kart ride, asked us what the wait time was, etc. i thought they wanted to find time to ride it themselves, but instead they whip out the sentence "would you want to go on it again right now?" to which all 3 of us lose our fucking minds being like "yes??? please?????" apparently z liked our energy, maybe not mine since i wasn't there to talk to them much, but apparently my friends helped brighten their day :)

so then z leads us to these people, asking if we can get fast passes, and they actually let us take them! we were all freaking out so hard dude, we basically had a whole extra line to ourselves that we used to take pictures of stuff we couldn't really before due to the fast moving queue. i couldn't help but say over and over "this is what being autistic does to you" and "i need to lose my phone more often if this happens" LOL i was probably annoying but i was just so excited to get to ride it again, especially since the line looked quite a bit longer compared to the first time we went on it. it was even better the second time, honestly, i think it was just that i had more experience with the ride so i refocused my energy towards observing what i pointed out earlier, like the animation! and i didn't even mention how awesome the music and effects are! :D

after that, we basically wrapped up the rest of the world, did the bowser jr. challenge (it was alright :P), and kind of just... futzed around for the rest of the time, lol. miku went to get food, i just sat with him since i was disinterested in getting food for myself, and byleth went to get extra gifts and stuff for his pals. we then went to... it's not hogsworth, omg, i forgot the name LOL but we went to the harry potter place! the two goobers went on that roller coaster twice, i don't like roller coasters so i stayed back and watched their bags for them. after that... that was kind of it, wasn't it? after that, we just went home!

overall, this trip meant a lot to me, really. it's hard to articulate when my emotions aren't so raw anymore, but... i love my friends and family, you know? i think on that ride home, thinking about everything, it just occured to me that no one had to help me with my silly idea for a trip, but they did anyway. no one has to stick around, period, but they do. my friends do. i'm not used to having long-term friendships like the ones i've had with them, so i guess i'm just... processing the fact that they actually like me. even though a big part of me looks at my behavior not just today, but in general, and questions what anyone could ever see in me. i'm painfully awkward, slow, and oblivious. my words feel wrong every time i speak them, they just come out wrong and i never know how to properly tone my voice and control my volume or pitch. i never know when i joke too much, i never know when to start or stop speaking. despite everything i said and more, people like them find reasons to want me around. it just... means a lot to me, y'know?

i think it especially hits hard because, and i believe i talked about this before, i never really felt wanted by anyone, nor did i ever really get what i needed as a kid. i think i'm slowly learning to accept that i am disabled. whether i like it or not, i don't function like everyone else and i will never be able to. i need extra help. i took that step a few times today, admitting that hey, i can't be by myself at all or i will probably have a panic attack right then and there. i can't do this alone. i'm just happy my friends are so patient and understanding, probably because they get it to an extent y'know? i dunno.

overall, this trip proved to me now more than ever how important this year already is for my growth. i'm really proud of myself. i'm getting closer to being comfortable in public spaces solely because i'm understanding and embracing my needs and boundaries. i'm getting better at being honest with others about said needs and boundaries. i'm getting better at embracing my quirks and letting myself go. i think despite my flaws, i have something to offer to people. maybe it's a little laugh from a stupid joke i made, maybe it's some sort of advice or knowledge from something i personally went through, i dunno. i just... i want to be more than a shadow in this world. the realization startles me a bit, i'm so used to being all alone, and i still think i prefer my alone time, but... i'm tired of telling myself i don't need anybody, that i can do everything by myself. i'm hurting myself by denying myself help. i need help. i think accepting this will make me way stronger then ever trying to do anything all by myself.

all my entries have been really cheesey lately, i wish i could say i'm sorry but i think this is a neccessary part of my development at this point XD i think in a cheesey way, thus i learn and articulate in a cheesey way... well, anyway! i think that's it? if other stuff happened today, it was all minor and not anything i want to add to this already long entry. basically, my loved ones truly mean the world to me and i'm really happy i have them in my lives. i'm really happy with myself, this trip meant more to me than i ever could have imagined. i hope the others had fun, at least!

honestly? this blog was originally going to be negative. it was going to be me talking about my anxieties about my trip to universal next week, but... i got distracted, had several conversations, and the tone is different now :)

i've been getting so much better at communicating my feelings, which i'm very happy about. first, i admitted to my friends that i was nervous about the trip. i asked them if they would be mad at the chance of me getting so overwhelmed by my social anxiety or sensory overload that i need to leave or take a break somewhere for a moment during the trip. they reassured me that they wouldn't be, that they would be okay and there to support me... and that makes me feel nice. i'm happy to have such good friends :) after that, mom was giving me a snappy tone at a new plan for the trip that i mentioned to her. it upset me, and normally my old self would boil in silence about it, but instead i texted her asking why she gave me attitude, to which she walked in my room and apologized. we talked it out and made up, and... it just really dawned on me right then and there how much i'm already developing this year.

i'm really proud of myself. my emotions have been on a high today, i've been pretty grouchy honestly. i guess it's just nice to end my day on a note like this one. i'm happy i'm changing and learning for the better. i'm happy i'm doing better for myself. it... benefits everyone, not just me. as much as part of my brain wants to tell me i don't matter to other people, that i'm insignificant and unwanted, i know that isn't true. people like me, love me even, and want me in their lives. i deserve to be treated the way i treat others: with respect, kindness, and patience.

the best part is... i know my friends love me because during our conversations today, they told me i should come with them to this local festival later this year. maybe to them, maybe to others, it doesn't seem like much... but... it makes me tear up, and i rarely tear up from personal things. i'm just... so happy to feel valued. i think my young self, who was always so alone and always felt like an observer to others lives and nothing more, would be overjoyed to know i end up having friends like this now. even if we don't remain friends forever, i won't take this time for granted. i may only have two friends, but god damn they're the best two friends i've ever met! no one else has ever made me feel this included

i think... for a long time, the feelings of alienation and loneliness will stay with me. it's hard to learn from what you've had your whole childhood, and it's hard to forget how much those times affected you. it's also hard to learn to reach outside your comfort zone and genuinely aim to improve your weak points... but damn, it's been worth it so far. i'm eager to apply my honest outspoken behaviors to other scenarios where i need to speak up not just for myself, but for others, too. i think what i have to say is important and worth being heard.

hm... i think that's all i needed to say. it's funny how a day can turn around from being so boring and annoying... to a moment of growth, improvement, and getting to feel proud of yourself, y'know? i'm happy i get more of those chances to feel happy for myself. it's... not the easiest to let yourself be happy, but i'm willing to try because i love this feeling... and i deserve to be happy. i didn't deserve what i went through. no child deserves to feel alone with no guidance. i want to be someone who would help my young self in a heartbeat. i think i'm getting there :)

yawnnn... hi. im really tired. i pulled an all-nighter in an attempt to fix my sleep schedule... i went to work... now i'm home... yeah. i wanna go to sleep early today. i guess i just had some things in mind that i want to talk about. i've been thinking about it a lot lately. trigger warning for childhood, trauma, and mental health talk throughout this whole entry

its taken me a long time to accept that my life isnt perfect or anything i would ever really want for myself. its taken me even longer to accept that i am indeed traumatized. its... still hard. all my life, i never really felt like i had a support system. no one really understood me, and i felt like as a kid i just wanted to be understood by someone, anyone. i thought i was crazy, that i was some oddball compared to all my peers. i told myself so many times that i could be better, that if i just tried harder like everyone told me to, then things wouldnt be so hard for me... heh, only to find out all these years later that i had undiagnosed autism all along. ha... ha. i think... ive been thinking about it in a different way. im at that part of recovery where i'm kind of going back to these memories of these times where i felt so alone. i want to face and comfort that inner child who still feels so alone.

it makes sense that i am the way i am. i truly believe that. it makes sense that all this stress i went through since childhood got to me, these feelings of loneliness and alienation that i tried so hard to avoid kept coming back to bite me so many times. it makes sense that to my brain, i needed a support system, even if it was parts of my own mind. it makes sense that even though to many people, maybe my trauma was nowhere near drastic enough to develop into the person i am now, i still did anyway because my brain is so different. i am so different. i'm not saying i'm special or a snowflake, i am legitimately quite different from many people i have met so far in my life. i process everything differently. it's a no-brainer to people who know about neurodiverse disorders, but... i dont think people connect these traits to other disorders enough... like osdd and did. heh, i'm a firm believer that the mental health industry is heavily outdated, that they not only dont account for the rise of self-discovery through internet resources and online communities, they also dont account how certain disorders can be linked to the development of these disorders... but thats not what i want to talk about

i feel like... my relationship with these feelings and memories is hard. id rather not think about it, of course. sometimes i snap back to reality and just... tell myself this is a waste of time, that i shouldnt wallow in my own self-pity like this. that people would be dissapointed in me if they saw me like this. that they would call me a sensitive flower like they always fucking do... ugh. i love my mom, truly i do, but... so many of the things she and other family would always tell me as a kid fucked me up, and i mean that. it affected my relationship with them for sure, it made me feel like if i ever tried to reach out to my family they would just mock me and tell me it's nothing... even though to me, so many of my small feelings were everything. that's how things are when you're a kid. even the smallest things can mean everything, because it's your first time experiencing anything... your first time being a living creature. i think especially with me, when i was already so confused and alienated from everyone, being called out for all my negative differences... made me feel very upset

i think... this will take a long time to fully tackle. i dont know when i'll go back to therapy, so i will be on my own for a while. it makes me happy that i have a support system built into my brain; even if it has negative side effects, such as constant dissociation alongside other things, i'm grateful that they're here. i guess... sometimes it isn't enough. i may never technically be alone, but i am still alone. i still feel alienated from everyone. having a family in my head doesn't make everything better... i still have the real world and the shadows of my past to sort through, haha. ugh, i make it sound like i went through something tragic. i didn't. i guess... it is tragic in a way, but nothing devastating. i was just a lonely, confused, and stressed kid. despite the world trying to teach me how to do everything, nothing made sense to me. my perception of myself and others made no sense. i was navigating my feelings from scratch, with little to no guidance. my recovery is self-taught, i made my own map by hand. even though the map is very much full of chicken scratch, i still did my best to practically raise myself.

ugh... i feel awful saying that. i had a good home life... but... i need to admit that i did raise myself! i was alone because i felt like i had to be! if everyone around me was going to keep downplaying my feelings, acting as if that'll change anything, what else was i supposed to do?! ugh... i think the guilt comes from the fact that saying this may even hint at an implication that i dont like my family. i like them! right now, i cant say i love them, because every so often i forget why i liked them at all (comes with the dissociation, haha)... but... i know they did their best. mom did her best as a single mom... but that meant that, to me, i was always worried that asking for or talking to mom about anything would mean i was creating even more burdens on her busy life. i was scared she wouldnt even listen to me, that she would dismiss me and my feelings. back then, i felt like she always did that. now, as an adult, i've been much better at communication, so i now know she does care. i suppose it isn't easy raising a kid like me when you already had so much on your plate. it doesn't mean my feelings shouldnt be downplayed, whether i like it or not i was affected by this situation significantly. sometimes it does make me feel better to look at situations from another perspective, though. im mad it had to happen, but what else was mom supposed to do? she was on her own with two autistic kids... i'm sure both of us were handfuls, haha. we still are.

i think i'm an interesting specimen to dig into. my developments were a stressful journey to live through, and is now simply interesting to look back on. i feel both sad for the child i was, and intrigued at the pieces of the puzzle coming together. the realizations of why i am the way i am will never fail to fascinate me. i think it helps me to think about this. it doesnt make me feel nice, but there would have never been a nice way to look at these thoughts. it was always going to hurt, that's a fact. but... i do feel like i know more about myself. i'm a case of undiagnosed autism leading to a lack of understanding of oneself, not understanding the world around you, not knowing how to ask for help, not knowing what was wrong with you, feeling utterly isolated from everyone around you, amongst many other things. i believe i'm a case of this reptitive stress and trauma, alongside other sources of trauma, leading my system and mental health to become what it is. i was a tragic child, in a way, one who due to the circumstances avoided all sources of support, all people, because i was convinced it was all in my head, a waste of everyones time, a sign of proof that i was the problem and that i just needed to toughen up and then everything in my life would be fine... now i know that would have never worked. there was nothing i could have done, i was just a child doing my best, i didn't know any better at all. that's always the toughest part about looking back. through all these years, i always told myself everything was my fault. but i was a kid. i wanted friends, i wanted support, i wanted stability, i wanted to feel like i belonged... i had no idea how to ask for it. it grew to me being convinced that i didnt need anyone, which resulted in... well, y'know.

this one was a doozy... sorry! i think this helped me, though. a lot, genuinely. i enjoy making blogs more frequently, it's been really refreshing and fun. usually, i would rather die than talk about a topic like this so publicly... but i don't care anymore. what people do with this information is irrelevant to me. if anyone tried anything, i could just block them, it's that easy on the internet. so... if you read all of this, thank you. maybe if you're struggling with something similar, you won't feel so alone with your feelings, yeah? remember to be kind to yourself. you were once a kid just doing your best to survive, too, y'know. take care, everyone :)

i need to learn to be content with the fact that i'm not a social person. i don't even know how much "being shy" is a reason anymore. when i think of what to do in my off-time, i just don't think to spend it with other people. i always prioritize my own personal projects, hobbies, and other sources of sensory intake. i think that is why trying to be social on all these different platforms has been hard for me. i never post, i never even think of it. when i think of what to do in my spare time, i don't think of scrolling through these platforms or lurking anymore. it bores me to tears. i would much rather play a single-player video game in the comfort of my own bed, work further on my website, watch youtube... literally anything else, haha.

i think part of me thinks i don't value socialization awfully much. well, i do with my friends! but... i'm not one to go out of my way to meet and interact with people. i never have. all my life, all my friends have always come to me first cus back then, i was both too shy and disinterested in making friends on my own. to this day, i still am. it makes me question if i should just close down some of these accounts of mine. if i don't use them, what's even the point? on another, i get a sense of satisfaction from being in these spaces, to look at my own profile and just recognize that... i customized this, i squeezed my way into these spaces and even if i never talk, i'm still here.

i think the only methods of socialization i really value these days are 1) discord, due to the server i have with all my closest friends. i enjoy talking to them a lot, as well as lurking a few pokemon collectors servers to see if anything neat is for sale. 2) although it is seen as "outdated", i would happily talk to someone over email. no character limit, no worries about an instant reply, the feeling of waiting for a reply from the person you're talking to... i enjoy that! it's probably my preferred method of personal communication at this point. 3) ... is it sad that the list ends here? i have tried to use the other platforms i am a part of, really i have! i just think... my mind is all over the place. i always spend my time elsewhere, mostly personal projects and hobbies once again, so i just end up neglecting these places, most of the time without meaning to. when i remember these places exist and think about whether i should talk... i opt out of the decision. if i am being honest? i see it as a waste of time and a waste of my anxious energy to spend socializing with people i am not familiar with in the slightest... my shyness and anxiety has not left me, but now as a matured brain, i have even more thoughts of "is this worth my time?" accompanying these feelings.

i went a little off from why i made this... i just... am having trouble being okay with myself. i am so used to everyone around me criticizing my ways, calling me a lonely hermit or assuming i am upset, or even that my activities encourage my mental health to worsen, due to shutting myself off all the time... but i cant imagine spending any more time outside than i do right now. i cant imagine having more friends than i do. i cant imagine myself being more than just a blip to someones life, an infrequent face. sometimes i do feel sad about that, but only because it feels as if i could be so much closer to some of my friends, but i am simply not. and it is so much because of myself, the fact that i forget people exist sometimes, the fact that i never see any reason to talk to anyone besides ones that are important... i dont know how to do little talk, i dont know how to talk about small things without worrying i'm just wasting the other party's time.

so, my conclusion like always is that i am socially anxious and aloof about most other people... not surprised about that at all. i guess i just need to be okay with people crticizing my ways of life. i need to be able to communicate that, yes, seriously, i am okay with being "lonely" and isolated from a lot of people. i would rather live that way than any other. i dont want many friends, i dont want many reasons to leave the house besides maybe going for a nice walk by myself, i dont want to waste my time trying to make friends with people in these spaces that i will hardly visit. i think something i do need to work on ismaking friends on my own, because sometimes i do come across people who i think are genuinely really cool... but i struggle to befriend any of them. perhaps email or private messaging on discord, mastodon, etc. would be a nice method of personal communication. i am usually always blunt with my feelings, so i can simply carry that to this context. i could introduce myself, and from there it can evolve into a natural conversation... bah, life is not that predictable, i will have to prepare for other possible outcomes, and even other plans of action.

so... i guess my point is... making friends is hard, online or not. it is hard for people to see me as anything other than a hermit, a pure loner. i do think i have some things to work on, i always do, but i also think i am allowed to live a lonely life if i enjoy it. and i do! i do enjoy myself, truly. i have friends despite it all, im not entirely alone. so even if i do need support from others, i always have people to go to. so for me, my life isnt so bad. im alright. i want to improve on talking with new people who i genuinely take interest in, but besides that, im content with the thought process i have right now. the thought that most people are just neutral to me. they exist, as long as they leave me alone i will like their company fine enough.

that's it for me! writing this helped me sort out some thoughts on this matter, which i'm happy about :) off to eat my 2:43am cinnamon cereal now! until next time!

weakly waves.. ayyy.. today was a bit of a bitch of a day. how so? so uhh remember when i said i was gonna get my raspbery pi 5 soon? it came! i just.. cannot figure out how to even get started... ive been tryin all these guides and tutorials, i spent all day tryin to figure it out.. but ive gotten nowhere. i didnt think that itd be this hard for me to even hook up the pi to my laptop and network! its so annoyingggg.. im trying to tell myself to take it one step at a time, take it slow, dont feel like you need to rush to get this pi ready for work.. but i guess im just so eager, i came into this so excited, that.. coming across roadblock after roadblock really affected me.

i know i just need to take a deep breath and rest until i feel better to work on it tomorrow or some other day.. i guess i just wasnt prepared to get stuck immediately, yknow? i thought id at least get stuck later, not this early on! sigh.. at least i have the pi in the first place, at least i havent broken anything.. so thats nice.. but thinking positively doesnt really help my frustration.

i guess theres been another source of stress thats weighing me down.. my brother is in this stressful situation involving work, and i dont want to be involved, but we work the same job so i have a feeling i might be.. i mean i already kind of am, he tells me all about whats going on, but.. i dont want to be personally involved with it.. i dont entirely know why. i know i dont like drama, i know my constant dissociation makes my feelings towards others im probably supposed to be close to kinda complicated for me, cus i forget so much yknow, but.. idk.

i dont really know how to explore my own feelings. ive been doing alright this year but.. im just.. really overwhelmed all of the sudden, and its really annoying. it makes me feel like im some sensitive snowflake who cant take any amount of pressure without breaking.. lol, i know im like that. everyone knows me to be sensitive, thats just how i am, idrk how to change it cus it feels like whenever i try, im just forcing myself to be someone im not. or like.. im putting myself under more stress trying to put up a facade? idk

so yeah. im overwhelmed over nothing. not really a good thing to say about any day, lmao. ik ill be alright, im just.. sigh. im tired of being like.. whats the term.. ill make my own. im tired of being this trash bin of sorts for my family to write and throw their negative thoughts into. i wish i could be someone who can handle being talked to all the time like im a therapist, but it really makes me stressed. i like that they trust me, but i also hate the thought that they Need to tell me about their problems

its probably selfish for me to say. im family, i live in the same house, i already get away with shutting myself in my room for ages.. but.. that isnt enough. sometimes i just dont want to talk to anyone at all. i dont want to hear about peoples problems, i dont care. sometimes i have days like today, that leave me annoyed and angry. sometimes my feelings malfunction, in a sense, where i just... dont feel anything for anyone. today, its just cus i was so focused on my task, and cus im so annoyed that it didnt work out how i wanted it to. i just need space, which thankfully everyone has given me today.

so really, i dont have any reason to vent about this. ill probably feel better about this later. for now though.. i just cant get it out of my head. i think i just want to be mad.. idk.. i cant even think of anything else im mad about. im just annoyed. so i guess ill stop here, even though i want to keep going.. but what am i supposed to say now? idk, so im gonna stop. thanks for reading, if you got this far idek lol, if you did i question how much free time you have XD anyway! this helped me feel a tad better i think.. maybe.. im not sure.. see you next time!

greetings, eternity writing! i have been thinking of making a blog entry since i started fronting yesterday, so i figured now would be a good time! i have been enjoying myself a lot. i drew quite a bit today, making 6 drawings for a specific page on the website. it helped me evolve my relationship with art, including my style and what i want to go for! i appreciate detail in my works. i am excited for the future drawings i will make further down the line! ... now, the title... what does it have to do with this blog entry? well, i suppose i wanted to ramble about that a bit.

the future. thinking of it is intimidating. there is a lot that i can do in the future in terms of career choice. a lot i could learn, a lot of paths i could go down... a lot that interest me. perhaps it is hard to imagine which path i most want to go down. i want to come off to my peers like i am certain of what i want, but i am afraid i can't, not with all these thoughts in my mind. we could, of course, do art. if we did it correctly, we would be happy. we would need to balance our happiness with the work and also finding a way to make an income from it. of course, the best idea is to sell fanworks and other types of art, keeping commissions forever closed. i just do not want to draw anything for anyone, haha! i just want people to enjoy what i have to offer and have that be it.

perhaps if i got more comfortable i could take recommendations. for example, say i start selling badges or keychains for a franchise, like sonic or pokemon. say someone suggests i do a character i have yet to do... i would be alright with that. i just think i am not money motivated. i would rather do art per request than by commission. i do not like the pressure, the obligation attached to it, feeling rushed whether my client cares about when they get their art or not. it would be easier if i just stuck to, say, putting my art in an exhibit, selling prints and perhaps books... which leads into the minor interest in writing.

drawing and writing could very well go hand-in-hand, allowing me to create my own illustrated stories for the world to see. they need'nt be anything special, complex, or intricate, i think i would be happy just having the chance to expand on my ideas and lay them down in a coherent form for others to see at all. i think it would be similar to music if i were to ever actually teach myself the ways of music production. i would definitely not care about what it sounds like, as long as i enjoy making it. i would love to actually find time and motivation to get started on making music someday... perhaps in the future i can try.

i suppose... i am also nervous about the future since there has not been a lot of communication on what all of us would want. at least, i do not remember having this conversation with anyone, nor any of them conversing about it amongst themselves. some are indecisive, some are more decisive about a certain path others disagree on, and... it is just... interesting to think about. it feels as if our interests are in a constant shifting state, which is rather bothersome! it would be nice to have a job we are happy with... art is right there! all we would need to do is to figure out how to turn our art into keychains, prints, buttons, etc, and then... go for it!

i would feel more comfortable with further planning before we go any further, though, perhaps an extensive group meeting as well... i know other alters have their own input, and we all need to come to a compromise to be truly happy... so this would be very necessary and helpful to talk about. i know sonic wants to create content, maybe stream occassionally, so... we could figure out a way to work that out! we already know we would use owncast for streaming, and... hm... perhaps peertube for videos? i do not believe he particularly cares for having an audience, he just wants to be creative in his own way, which is very understandable! something we all have in common is the lack of care for popularity... i suppose it will make things a little more interesting if we pursue art, hm? is that not a competitive environment? oh, and i imagine we would ideally need to return to social media to grow our name... that would be troublesome. i'll figure that out, though! i think it will turn out alright, we just need to research and prepare, which i know we have plenty of time for! :)

now, then, should i end it here? ... maybe... one more thing. i am happy i am getting better. i still... have issues letting others front with me. i still immensely struggle with inner communication... but i am getting better at socializing with outer people. i am at least taking those little steps! ... or perhaps my mood has just been particularly nice, who knows? i think something i may forever at least feel discomfort with is the utter detachment i have from this world and humanity. sure, many of us are non-human, but i feel as if it is different for me. the others are alive... i am a spirit. breathing, walking, interacting with others... it comes naturally at times, but at others my mind reels a little as it realizes again and again that i am alive. it will always be a struggle trying to keep my head on straight when it always threatens to fly up to the fuzzy cotton clouds.

constant dissociation has not ruined my life, i would not say. nothing has ruined my life, despite everything i am greatful for my loved ones who have done their best to support and be there for me... but it has made it so i cannot feel confident in doing many things. along with my other mental health issues, it is why i still do not drive a car, or even have a driver's license, even when the body is nearing the age of 21, haha. i do not want to be a danger to myself or others.

i do not know how to continue this, so this is where i will end it. this was nice to get off my chest, thank you for listening to me. farewell until next time!

hello! i believe this is the first blog i have written myself? that sounds right... it's uncommon of me to get involved in collective activities that aren't strictly personal to us, haha! my name is myles, you can take a look at my page by clicking here! i suppose i just wanted to write. that is what most of these entries are, right? no direction, no end-goal, simply a space where, for a moment, we can let go of some things in our mind, good or bad. i like that... truth be told, i am here covering for another alter right now. they are stressed and tired. it isn't getting to me, at least not very much. i just feel a little sad that this happens at all. this alter stresses so often... i know they feel bad about it, and i know they enjoy fronting and don't want to stop no matter how stressed they get... and i know they know none of us judge them for it... it still saddens me. i know why they are the way they are, all of us do, but... i wish things were different.

being plural is a fascinating experience just as much as it is alienating. a lot of our experiences are like this, i suppose; they're experiences that tie us to a closer understanding and community with other people, no matter their differences... but it is these differences that make living in this world so hard sometimes. as time goes on, i feel as if it becomes more apparent just how different we are from the norm. difference isn't bad! ... it is just that most of the world treats differences as taboo, as something to change, criticize, or berate. it leads to a lack of resources, a lack of understanding... and a lack of support. that is something i wish we had, really. no one knows ethan is not the only one. no one besides anyone who has ever interacted or even simply seen us on the internet. i think this leads to moments like this... where we cannot go to anyone for support, we cannot talk to anyone about anything that happens in our mind. so we stress, and we talk to ourselves instead, silently plan what to do that will continue to keep the mask up without having our resolve crumbling into dust.

ahh, am i going off-topic? what is the topic? haha, i don't really know! i don't remember what point i was trying to make... i guess i just feel stressed about it... and truth be told... we are still stressed out about our last therapist... has this been mentioned already? i don't know! i think... it just makes us nervous to ever go back to therapy again. it made us think further about it, as well... why go back when it is clear that we won't be believed? why go back when our best plan is to hide our symptoms, leave many important things unsaid, and pretend to be someone we are not? perhaps we are overthinking things, that would definitely not be a first, but i feel as if it is important to think about. beforehand, in therapy, we would have a very hard time opening up. we would always heavily self-criticize, not consider our feelings relevant enough to be discussed, and simply talk about something less important within the session instead. i feel as if it is more therapuetic to write blogs and journal entries like this, where feedback is blocked and all one can do is gaze upon our words. this way, we don't feel that sort of stagefright. we don't need to think too much about our words, nor do we need to think about how others will perceive what we say. we can simply speak our mind this way!

hm... anything else i wish to talk about... i suppose this... every day, i think about ways to expand my horizons. i am used to staying within the body, never in control, just as a source of support and encouragement for whoever is fronting at that moment. fronting makes me a little nervous, perhaps because of simply... inhabiting this body. it is strange, unnatural, and surreal. i feel detached when i front and when i interact with the world. i feel decent right now, typing on this keyboard, presenting as myself... but i know the moment i have to interact with others in the outside world, i will feel odd. how can i not? not being able to be myself, having to put on a mask all the time and hide who i am, despite how much i want to wholeheartedly be true to myself... it is a feeling sonic often struggles with, and i understand where he is coming from. it is why i keep my distance, after all. right now, though, i am simply here to act as support like i always do. i'm unsure when i'll actually... explore myself. part of me doesn't want to, i am afraid of being "tainted"... i don't want to expose myself to more of the negative parts of the world. i fear that will be intrusive to my work... can't stop a fox from being curious, though! i will continue to take my time, i think. open up at my own pace... i know it will take me time to get comfortable with even the thought of others perceiving me, even though the idea sounds appealing to me. i guess we'll see what happens!

my arms are getting tired, i think i have said enough... if you have somehow made it this far, thank you! i appreciate you taking the time to see what i have to say! i'll see you next time!

heyyo! im trynna write more blogs more often cus tbh? its fun n relaxin!! makes me feel better that not many ppl'll be readin these, i bet LAWL! i had a weird ass dream last night, was one'o those dreams that front triggered other alters yk? so now gracidea n myles r chillin wit me LOL ig i jus uhh.. i have nothin in particular t talk abt, but i Do habve things in mind that might be nice t write abt?? so.. i shall.. ahem uhh... rn i dont go t therapy, yk? nox wrote a blog entry on this already, but last time when we tried t tell our therapist abt th system, she didnt believe us n told us t not talk abt that anymore yk? n she stressed us out n like.. yeah, we havent gotten back t therapy since LAWL sometimes i wonder if we Should go back tho?

but th problem is that like.. we were never truly Open wit any of our therapists?? we told our first therapist we were trans but thats cus it came up in conversation, like cus o this.. card game? n one o th questions was "do ya ever wish u were th opposite gender" LAWL i woulda NEVER brought that up on my own tbh.. def wasnt plannin to.. so now we keep plannin like.. if we were t go back, we cant talk abt our mental health issues cus in therapy apparently, from what im learnin, ur not Supposed to know abt some o this crap, n if ya do, ur therapist'll think ur fakin HUJFVY8UDJNBDGFB ITS SO STUPID BUT I STG THATS HOW IT WORKS T SOME O THESE SHITTY THERAPIST

n im like.... augh this aint gonna work out. sadly i rlly dont think itll ever work. we always did better growin on our own, n around friends who actually understood what we were goin thru n were able to give us much better advice n words o encouragement than any therapist ever could yk? its annoyin that therapy is like this but.. i think ill be aight wit no therapy. i already have a psychiatrist who prescribes my meds, i talk to her a lil sometimes n i like that jus fine yk? i jus think we're such a uh... "unique" individual that its HARD t talk abt our crap witout soundin insane???

n again, we know ourselves so well, we alreadt Know a lot o th shit therapists woulda already told us anyway yk? n if i tell em abt my problems theyll think im fakin cus Oh with system shit ur Not Supposed T Fuckin Know hfjvgrhyvujdgfb its crazy that ppl are STILL sayin that abt dissociative disorders when th internet fuckin exists bro, its so easy t look this shit up n connect th dots LMFAOOOO whatever tho. idc abt what some fuckass therapist has t say anyway, i kno myself better than anyone else does

hmmm better topic? better topic LAWL i keep talkin abt this but! i ordered a raspberry pi 5 a few days ago n im SO EXCITED FER IT ik it wont be here inna while cus its not s'pposed t ship till like february or march, but!! i keep thinkin abt what i wanna do wit it... my goal's t host servers fer xmpp, matrix, AND mastodon, so i can name em all like corvidae@crisis.city yk? i jus love my domain n want it everywhere LMFAOOO i think havin my own masto instance would be SO FUN TOO BRO like. i can make my own custom emojis n shit?? how fuckin cool's that LMAO i plan t have all these servers be only me, but.. hm maybe if any close friends wanna hop in ill let em?? none of em r on fedi tho so fuijvhbduygvhjdfb itll most likely jus be me XD i wanna figure out other things i could do wit my pi too.... but! thats fer later i think :P

i wanna experiment more wit havin my own spaces.. ive mainly jus like made my own user profile on my computer n its nice yk? but i Do still use th main user profile a lot cus like. idk what t do wit my user yet yk? ill figure it out tho! i jus like th thought o havin my own lil corner fjhhvyubjndgb ig i also wanna.. do more o my own hobbies? that ive wanted t do fer a while now?? like.. i wanna make videos.. but i jus. aghhh idk i dont got ideas yet, or proper motivation?? idk maybe im not ready fer some reason idk... hufgv7g6yuvhjdfb ILL FIGURE IT OUT i jus think im feelin complicated bout myself rn

i wanna be my own person SO BAD, i want th world t know who i am yk? i Aint this body, im Sonic, yk? ik its prolly unhealthy t wanna detach from th body.. but i jus.. augh idk. i jus want so much more than what we got yk? or i jus want smth Different, i want my own life wit my own rules.. im sure some ppl get it right? bein surrounded by all this crap that ya dont resonate wit, everyone callin u by a name u dont go by, havin t pretend ur someone else all th time.. it fuckin SUCKS DUDE :( i appreciate that at least online, i can express myself yk? but sometimes it aint nough.. irl i wanna be able to say "im sonic, nice t meetcha!" SO BAD yk???

i think this is jus smth that i need time t like.. think abt n process? cus none o us plan t tell our family bout th system anytime soon, so.. alters like me need t learn t get comfy wit hidin.. im sure there'll be oppuritunities where irl, ill find ppl who i can be myself round.. but fer now im jus like?? nervous abt it idk.. despite how much i Wanna be myself, im jus like.. ughh things r jus easier if i keep pretendin yk?

aughjgbvytdubhndt IDK MAN im goin in circles so imma stop ere, it was nice t let out some'o these thoughts anyway fuijhvitdujbkmdgh peace out, see yall next time!!!

ey yall! ........ gonna be real i started this like an hour ago, got distracted, n now im back ere LAWL so! ey!! im hungry.. hollup im gonna order pizza........ okay! ended up orderin chicken n a shake, also trimmed my face, was gettin long LAWL............ aaand NOW i can write!! hopefully!!! so ay! i got nothin in particular t' say, jus wanted t' chat yk? so like! shit's been chill lately! year's off t' a good start fer me, things're th' same as ever, but i gotta lot t' look forward to!! lemme list some off...

body's 21st birthday at universal studios wooooo!!! mainly goin fer nintendo world, ofc y'know our nintendo fanboy asses, but also i wanna check out th' other universal crap a bit! seems fun!! i'm goin wit my 2 irl friends, i'm rlly excited! it's in march 5th, not my Exact bday, but one o th' cheapest tickets o th' month so it works good 'nough fer me!!

th' month after that, imma go to my first convention!! it's lvl up expo, i'm goin wit the previously mentioned irl pals, i ain't sure if i wanna go fer jus one day or multiple? i got a few months t' prepare, so i'll figure it out later down th' line :P

jus in general, i'm excited t' see how i grow! last half o 2023 was pretty nice, i learned so much abt th internet and these cool parts o it that i've never seen b4 yk? i think i fit right int' these lil corners, i'm excited t' mess round on th' fediverse, i'm excited t' grow my site 'n blog even more, and... there's a lot i wanna do! i wanna learn more abt tech, maybe this'll be th' year i dabble int' music production?? eh... maybe not, idk lawl...

'n idk! i kinda wanna do my own personal goals fer Myself, not collectively but. as sonic, yk? i've always wanted t' dabble in content creation, like th' typical gamer dude channel! i think it jus sounds fun!! i don' wanna make it like.. my career or nothin', jus' a hobby! i wanna post vids whenever th' hell i want, cus i Know i wouldn' be able t' have a schedule, what wit' bein' a system 'n all LAWL i never kno when i'll be gone fer days or even weeks at a time XD but!! anyway!! i wanna figure that crap out fer myself, 'n i want not only Us t' continue t' grow, but Me too! i'm doin' p good i think, seperatin' more from my source t' jus' like a healthy amount has felt nice... it's a slow af process, but i think it's workin' out :)

anywho!! i think that's it? yea?? is it??? uhhh i think so LAWL i've been on my own fer th' past like 2 days and i honesly HAVE BEEN LOVIN IT i hope i stick 'round fer longer! :D SEE YALL LATER!!!!!!!!